Monday Mental Musings

Happy Monday everyone!  We are in the middle of extremely cold weather here in Indiana.  The kids were home from school today and will be home again tomorrow because of the below zero temperatures.  They don't mind the extended break, but I am so ready to get back to a regular routine.  The past few days have been a little rough for me.  I am having really bad cramps, I guess still from my surgery.  I have had to take prescription pain medicine to function and those meds make me feel funny.  So exercising has been put on the back burner for a few more days.  I see my doctor tomorrow for my post-op visit so hopefully he will tell me that this is normal.

I know I talk a lot on here about my low self esteem and low self confidence.  I want to be real with you all and never hide anything.  I am really struggling lately to find myself worthy of anything.  I think I am so afraid of failing that I don't even want to try things.  If I don't try, I won't fail right?  I know this is not the right way to think, and I battle myself a lot.

I don't have many "close" friends that I share a lot of secrets with.  I don't feel comfortable enough to join in ladies activities at church.  I don't feel like I am good enough to participate in walks/runs.  I just keep to myself so no one can hurt me, make fun of me, or laugh at my failures.  It is really hard to write these things, but I want to share.  I know my weight is 99% of the cause of these feelings.  I try to put on a good front to everyone else, but I hurt on the inside.  I want so much to belong to a group, have "close" friends that REALLY know me.  NOW, I am not writing all of this to get pity and tons of people to comment.  I don't want your pity.  I want to get better.  I want to learn to be more social and try to fit in.  I am taking steps to do just that!!  For some of you this comes easy, but I feel like I am taking a HUGE step out of my comfort zone when signing up for some of these things.  Here is my start:

• I signed up to go to a ladies conference with my church. - I am hoping this will let me form some new relationships even though I am a little nervous about going.
• I signed up for a Color Run in May.  I know I will not be able to run it, but I can walk a 5k no problem.  I am so excited about this.
• There is also a bike ride and glow walk that I want to do in May as well.  Even my kiddos said they would do it with me.
• I also plan on attending Fitbloggin this June.  I hope to meet some of the people in real life that I have met online!
• I REALLY want to join a Wednesday night small group at church if I can get hubby to take me.  I need to meet some people and form some relationships.

Food has always been my friend, it has always been there for me, it has always filled the holes left by people who have let me down.  It has always "fixed" my problems.  I am a food addict, no doubt.  I crave the way it makes me feel.  It is a battle every single day.  I think food addiction ranks with drug and alcohol addiction.  I am learning that food is only fuel for my body and even though the highs feel good, what comes after is not so good.  I am working everyday on myself, my inside, my mental and spiritual well being.  I think no matter how much weight I lose or how "skinny" I look I will always battle these inner demons.   They are a part of who I am and this is how God created me.  I know He loves me no matter what, now I have to learn that as well.  I will OVERCOME these battles, one choice at a time.  And you can too.  We are not alone, together we can learn to love ourselves enough to truly take care of ourselves.  

I know I have rambled on and on, but I needed to get this out.  I usually share my menu on Mondays, but to be honest I have not even planned it yet.  Our schedule has been so messed up with snow and cancellations I am just winging it the next few days. 

My scripture to memorize for this week is:

Also, I joined in the Proverbs 31 study for Made to Crave.  I have read it twice, but I am excited to join a study.  Here is the link if you are interested as well.  It starts on January 19.Click here to check it out!

And one more share for the day!  I LOVE this song my Mandisa.  So I wanted to share it with you.

I think that is it for today!  I love you all and I thank you for your support!

Keep Losing,

Kari