How Can One Day Change Your Life?

Happy Monday friends! I hope you all had a nice, relaxing holiday weekend.  We kept busy, but it was so nice to spend time with friends and family!

As most of you know, I have been struggling a bit to stay focused and on plan.  When I got home from Savannah, I just went crazy with my eating.  I did not track well or get my activity in.  I don't know what was wrong with me, but I just did it.  Actually, I think I figured out a little thing.  I am not sure how much sense it will make to all of you, but I want to work through it here this evening.

First off, I want to state that I LOVE MY HUSBAND MORE THAN ANYTHING (except God and my children).  This post is in no way a criticism or bashing of him, but I think he holds (held) the key to my issue.  My husband is overweight as well.  He is probably about 250 pounds overweight and he has a hernia that he cannot get fixed until he loses weight.  He did have gastric bypass surgery about 10 years ago, before we met and lost quite a bit but then quit and regained.  He does not feel good a lot of the time because of the extra weight he is carrying.  His hernia and his back hurt him a lot.  He lives a fairly sedentary lifestyle.

So what does that have to do with me?  Well let's go back about 10 years to my first marriage.  My first husband was diagnosed with End Stage Renal disease about 14 years ago.  He did dialysis at home.  He chose not to even try for a kidney transplant and really did not take very good care of himself.  I sat with him in a hospital for 2 months and watched him take his last breath on October 6, 2006.  I feel like I watched the man I loved, the father of my child slowly kill himself and I totally felt like it was my fault.  If I had been a better wife, if I had been worth it he may have fought harder to live.

Today, I honestly feel like I am watching my second husband do the same thing to himself and all of those feelings are coming back up.  As I have been losing and becoming more active, it has been hard on our relationship.  I want to do more things and he never feels like it.  I watch him eat every evening and worry that he is slowly eating himself to death.  I mean he really eats the junk food ALL night long while sitting in front of the TV.  Now, I do not buy this food.  He buys it and brings it home.  I truly believe he is also a food addict.  I have tried and tried and tried to talk him into joining me on getting healthier and happier.  He says he will, but never follows through and I for one know that it has to be the choice of the individual to make these changes.  My heart is just breaking for him and our family.

And I just started eating.  I think in the back of my mind I figured if he wasn't going to change, then why should I.  Why should I do all of this work and not be able to enjoy the benefits and results with him?  If I keep losing and getting more in shape, I am going to want to do new things, try new things.  What happens if he doesn't want to do them with me.  I think the food was acting like an insurance policy that I would feel just like him and that might help our relationship.

Those feelings of not being good enough, not worth it were resurfacing and the food was there to fill that gap.  But I quickly realized I cannot let all of this hard work go down the drain.  I have to do this for ME and ME ALONE.  I am worthy of being happy and healthy and I have to stop tying my worth to other people and things.

I cannot change my husband.  He has to make the decision for himself.  I pray that he will continue to watch me get healthier and happier and want to join me.  I ask that you pray for that as well.

So, how can one day change your life?  I think I woke up this morning and realized that I HAD to get back on track.  I went to the gym and worked out with my trainer and afterwards I felt SO good!  I was energized, I was ready to take on the world.  Now, I know the dark times will still come and try to pull me down, but I am determined to continue working through these emotions.  I realized that I hold the power to my success, nobody else.  Today, I have tracked ALL of my food, exercised, drank my water, got in my fruits and veggies, and I just feel GOOD!  Today, I decided that I was worth it and that today is a brand new start for ME!

Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I love you all for the support you give me!  Sending you all love and healthy wishes!

Keep Losing,
Kari