Today’s post is going to be a little hard to write. I will be sharing some things I have never
told anyone before. Today I want to talk
about why I got fat in the first place.
I watch shows like the Biggest Loser and almost always the contestants
have some breakdown that helps realize why they got overweight. I really have not one particular thing to
pinpoint in my life. I had a great
childhood with very loving parents. I
have had a few tragic things happen in my life, but I was overweight before
those things even happened so I can’t blame those. One thing I do know is that I have very low
self-esteem. I always feel like I do not
fit in anywhere. I felt (and sometimes
still feel) like I had to be somebody other than who I really was to be a part
of a group. Food liked me no matter what
and it became my best friend. It was
there for me when I was happy, sad, mad, etc.
Food didn’t judge me for anything.
It comforted me and made me feel good (or so I thought). I realize now that I am a food addict. The dictionary defines addiction as the “compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming
substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by
well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal;broadly : persistent
compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.” Food was my drug. I was so addicted that I would stop every
morning and buy 2-3 Little Debbie snack cakes to eat on the way to work and
sometimes even stop on the way home for more or stop at McDonald’s for an iced
coffee and cookies. I would hide the
evidence from everyone. I would buy
candy and junk and hide it in my house and eat when no one was around. After I would eat like that, I would feel so
guilty and bad about myself, but I kept up the cycle. I have done Weight Watchers so many different
times and I as successful, but I never gave up my addiction. I would weigh-in and then celebrate by eating
some fattening snack cake or candy because I knew I had another week before I had
to weight again. It is really hard to
admit these things, but I know I am not the only one who has ever had this
problem and we need to learn to talk about these things. I am ashamed that I ate myself to 402
pounds. I have no excuses for those behaviors,
but I have learned from them. I am
slowly learning that people do like me for who I really am and I am starting to
make some true friends. I am learning
that there are other ways to celebrate my emotions besides food. I am learning that I have trigger foods that
I MUST stay away from. I can eat
anything I want on Weight Watchers, but there are some things I know will set
off my addiction (like the Nutty Bar my husband stuck in my face this morning,
and I proudly said “NO”). Now on weigh-in day, I celebrate with a skinny latte
from Starbucks (3 points) and for every 25 pounds I buy myself something new
for my fitness room. I am not cured and
I do not think I ever will be, but recognizing the problem is an important
step. I am on a journey that will last
the rest of my life.
On a more positive note, I
worked out yesterday and today! Also,
last night while the hubby and boys were watching TV in the A/C, I took a 2
mile walk up our street (which is very hilly).
My legs were sore this morning!! But it was a good sore, an I
accomplished something sore!
Well I have rambled enough
for one day! Thanks to all my true
friends and supporters out there. It
makes me feel like I am not alone in my journey.
Keep Losing,
Kari
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