Random Thoughts!

Do you ever feel like people judge you based on how you look, without even getting to know you?  I feel that way a lot.  I know it has something to do with having low self-esteem.  It is probably mostly in my mind.  I just want to wear a sign that tells the world I have lost 68 pounds and still going. 

Being overweight is no fun at all.  It bothers me every single day.  I hate the way it has affected my life, limited me from trying new things, and held me back from making friends.  I feel so good that I have started this journey towards a healthier life.  I have been taking more chances and doing things I never thought I could or would do. 

I am so amazed by all the support I get from Facebook and this blog.  People have told me they are inspired by what I am doing.  Believe me, this journey is hard.  It is hard to do it alone.  My boys and hubby are not doing it with me (even though they should).  It is hard to go out to eat and they are getting the types of food I used to eat and I am eating salad.  Don’t misunderstand me, my family loves and supports me.  They just haven’t begun the journey I have.  I try not to buy the things that trigger me, but sometimes they end up in my house anyway.  I am not sure how to get them all on the same page as me.  Any advice would be welcome!

I haven’t even been able to work out the past two days.  Friday, I had to rest because of the eye injection.  Yesterday was a terrible day.  I had a massive migraine and spent most of the day in bed.  I usually use Sunday as a rest day, but I think I will go work out after I finish writing this. 

Thank you to everyone who is following my journey and encouraging me along the way.  You have no idea how it feels to have others say they are proud of me.  Each day is a step towards liking myself a little more and learning to enjoy this life I have been given.  I love you all!

Keep Losing,

Kari

Ups and Downs

Well yesterday had its ups and downs.  On the up side, I lost 2 pounds at my weigh-in, making a total of 68.8 pounds GONE FOREVER!!!!  I was so happy that I lost while on vacation!!!!  On the down side, I got bad news at the eye specialist.  My eye is actually getting worse and the doctor is stumped.  He did have me go for a blood test to rule out a rare disease, so now waiting on those results.  And I had to have TWO needles.  It really wasn't as bad as I thought, but still no fun at all.

Today I bought myself a dress.  I NEVER wear dresses.  I hate how I look in them.  But we are going to a wedding this evening and I wanted to look nice.  Now we will see if I have the courage to actually wear it. 

After the rough news yesterday, I was not on my best behavior.  I stayed within my points, but ate things I knew I should not, like fried chicken fingers and Chinese food.  It really did not even taste that good.  I did not get in all my fruits, veggies, and dairy servings.  Then I went to bed feeling like crap and guilty.  I don’t know why I did it, except I was depressed and thought food would fix it.  DUH!!! Haven’t I learned by now that food does not fix my problems?  I am back on track 100% today.  Hubby and the boys went through Arby’s drive-through and I just waited until I got home and fixed myself something healthy! Each day is a new adventure on this journey.  I am learning each day that I have the power to make the right or wrong choice.  And with 179 more pounds to lose, I will be making both along the way.  Writing on this blog does help keep me accountable.  Some days I just want to quit, but I know the end result will be worth it!

Keep Losing,Kari

Stick a Needle in My Eye!

So tomorrow is my weigh-in day and I am a little nervous.  I told myself I would be satisfied to maintain my weight while on vacation and I hope I really meant that!  I will not be able to make it to my Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow.  I have an appointment with my eye specialist in Greenwood.  Fortunately, I found a Weight Watchers location there that I can just walk in and at least weigh-in!  I am dreading tomorrow’s visit to the eye specialist.  For those of you who don’t know, I have an eye disease called Punctate Inner Choroidopathy (PIC for short).  I was diagnosed with it about 7 years ago and lost a lot of vision in my left eye.  In the past year I have lost vision in my right eye.  Most of my vision loss is central vision and I am now in the legally blind category with my vision being 20/400 with my glasses.  The treatment for this disease right now is Avastin (a chemotherapy drug) injections in my eye ( that’s right, a needle in my eye).  I have to have them about every month.  What stinks is that last time my eye pressure went up so high that I could not see anything.  So tomorrow they will most likely use a needle to draw fluid out of my eye and then give me the injection (2 NEEDLES)! So you can see why I am a little nervous about my visit tomorrow.

After reflecting on yesterday’s blog entry I decided that if I had to be an addict, then I should be able to transfer my addiction to food over to an addiction to exercise.  Now I have to get my brain to agree to that! LOL!

For lunch today I had an amazing new Lean Cuisine meal!  You must try it!

Hopefully I will survive the 2 NEEDLES tomorrow.   I hope to write a post, but if not I will at least give a weigh-in update!

Keep Losing.

Kari

My Name is Kari and I am an addict!

Today’s post is going to be a little hard to write.  I will be sharing some things I have never told anyone before.  Today I want to talk about why I got fat in the first place.  I watch shows like the Biggest Loser and almost always the contestants have some breakdown that helps realize why they got overweight.  I really have not one particular thing to pinpoint in my life.  I had a great childhood with very loving parents.  I have had a few tragic things happen in my life, but I was overweight before those things even happened so I can’t blame those.  One thing I do know is that I have very low self-esteem.  I always feel like I do not fit in anywhere.  I felt (and sometimes still feel) like I had to be somebody other than who I really was to be a part of a group.  Food liked me no matter what and it became my best friend.  It was there for me when I was happy, sad, mad, etc.  Food didn’t judge me for anything.  It comforted me and made me feel good (or so I thought).  I realize now that I am a food addict.  The dictionary defines addiction as the “compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal;broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.”  Food was my drug.  I was so addicted that I would stop every morning and buy 2-3 Little Debbie snack cakes to eat on the way to work and sometimes even stop on the way home for more or stop at McDonald’s for an iced coffee and cookies.  I would hide the evidence from everyone.  I would buy candy and junk and hide it in my house and eat when no one was around.  After I would eat like that, I would feel so guilty and bad about myself, but I kept up the cycle.  I have done Weight Watchers so many different times and I as successful, but I never gave up my addiction.  I would weigh-in and then celebrate by eating some fattening snack cake or candy because I knew I had another week before I had to weight again.  It is really hard to admit these things, but I know I am not the only one who has ever had this problem and we need to learn to talk about these things.  I am ashamed that I ate myself to 402 pounds.  I have no excuses for those behaviors, but I have learned from them.  I am slowly learning that people do like me for who I really am and I am starting to make some true friends.  I am learning that there are other ways to celebrate my emotions besides food.  I am learning that I have trigger foods that I MUST stay away from.  I can eat anything I want on Weight Watchers, but there are some things I know will set off my addiction (like the Nutty Bar my husband stuck in my face this morning, and I proudly said “NO”). Now on weigh-in day, I celebrate with a skinny latte from Starbucks (3 points) and for every 25 pounds I buy myself something new for my fitness room.  I am not cured and I do not think I ever will be, but recognizing the problem is an important step.  I am on a journey that will last the rest of my life.

On a more positive note, I worked out yesterday and today!  Also, last night while the hubby and boys were watching TV in the A/C, I took a 2 mile walk up our street (which is very hilly).  My legs were sore this morning!! But it was a good sore, an I accomplished something sore!

Well I have rambled enough for one day!  Thanks to all my true friends and supporters out there.  It makes me feel like I am not alone in my journey.

Keep Losing,

Kari

Back to Reality and Sweet Snack Ideas!

We made it home from an awesome beach vacation yesterday.  We had an amazing time and I did a few things I thought were impossible for me.  I can’t wait to go back next year!!!

Today I thought I would share four of my favorite sweet snacks that I always keep on hand in my pantry.  I eat something sweet almost every day.  That is one of the ways I keep myself from feeling deprived.

#1 – Special K Pastry Crisps – I love every flavor of these, but today at Wal-Mart I found the chocolate caramel ones.  They are very yummy and only 3 points+.

#2 – Fiber One Trail Mix Bars – These bars are so good with dried cranberries!  These really help keep me full as they have a lot of fiber in them and only 3 points+.

#3 – Nature Valley Baked Oatmeal – I found these at Sam’s Club.  I have the peanut butter flavor and they taste like a giant peanut butter cookie.  I have one often with a cup of hot green tea.  Delicious and 4 points+.

#4 – Nature Valley Protein Bars – These are a great choice for breakfast or a quick pick me up snack.  They are loaded with real nuts and are very satisfying.  They have 5 points+, but are worth it for the protein you get.

I also tried the Double Chopped Chicken Salad at Subway for lunch today (since we had NO food in our house).  It was so yummy!  You can load it up with all the veggies you want and they chop it up in to itty bitty pieces.  The salad itself is only 5 points+.  I added oil and vinegar to mine.  I will definitely be getting this again!

So I am back from vacation and have to get back into my routine.  I made a shopping trip today so I have no excuse not to cook dinner every night.  I also have to get back to working out every day.  I am ready!  I won’t weigh-in again until Thursday but I am being optimistic that I was successful on vacation.

Keep Losing,

Kari

Having a Blast!!!!!!

I have had an amazing time in Fort Myers this week. I have done things I never thought I could do. I feel amazing and was able to stay on my eating plan most of the week. We got to go on a dolphin cruise that was so awesome! I even got a tattoo (henna). Thinking about getting a real one someday! We saw many dolphins swimming around our boat. Hubby and I had a date night. We ate out, went to Lover's Key and had local blueberry wine and chocolate covered strawberries! It was so romantic. Took several walks on the beach, even some at sunset. Yesterday we even got to hold a baby alligator!

One amazing thing I did was go parasailing. I really did not think I would be able to go. I thought I needed to lose more weight first. However, my friend looked it up and we went together this morning. It was AMAZING! I was so nervous. I was afraid they workers would judge me or tell me I was too fat. I had to climb into one boat, transfer to another boat, and get into the harness. The guys on the boat were so nice to me. I felt so comfortable and I DID IT!!!!! Hubby and kiddos even did it. I feel so good that I was able to do something I thought was impossible. Facing my mental fears is a bug part of this journey for me. Next on my list is to be able to go zip-lining.

I am happy with the choices I have made while on vacation. I have treated myself a few times, but mostly ate healthy foods. Today at lunch I had an amazing quinoa shrimp salad. It was AMAZING! I am so excited that I can find something to eat everywhere we go. That is one reason I love Weight Watchers. Even my kiddos were telling me that I could eat real food and lose weight. I did not weigh in this week. There was so much to do, that I forgot to even go. I will weigh in next week and hope for good results. I would happy to just maintain! Tomorrow is the trip back home. I will miss coffee on my deck and walks on the beach. We have had an awesome week with some awesome friends! Can't wait to do it again next year and hopefully be 100 pounds lighter!!!

Keep Losing,
Kari

Feelings of Inadequacy

Vacations (especially beach ones) always make me feel so bad about myself. I see all these women who are so confident and look so cute in their beach clothes, and I feel like a whale. I go into the shops and see tons of cute clothes, but none will fit me (yet). I am so self conscience. I feel like everyone is looking at the "fat" person and no one knows how far I have already come. I think a lot of us who are on this journey feel this way. I know I am doing amazing on this journey, but I am ready to just feel "normal." I want to be able to parasail and jet ski and all the other beachy things I am too heavy to do right now. I know I will get there, but I an ready NOW! I have to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be content in the present. Next year I could be 100 pounds lighter when we come here and maybe those clothes will fit and I can parasail.

On the more positive side, this morning I took a walk on the beach. I walked 2.26 miles. Walking in the sand (and Florida heat) are much different than walking on the treadmill or blacktop at home. I was soaking wet but I felt so good when I accomplished it. I love the Map my Walk App, I was listening to music and had the app running and a voice came over and told me I had made it a mile and the distance, and then two miles. I was so excited!!

Today has been a pretty good eating day so far. I did have one fruity drink, but managed to just have water at the amazing ice cream parlor on Sanibel Island! We were all hot, tired, and a little grumpy (at least I was ) after a day of shopping and swimming. Came home to cool down and I am feeling much better! Hubby wants to go out to eat again tonight. It is kinda a challenge to eat out and try to find meals that are on my plan!

Well better go for now!

Keep Losing,
Kari

Ramblings From the Beach

Sorry I haven's posted in a few days. We left Friday and headed to Fort Myers Beach, Florida. We rented a house right on the beach and as I sit here writing this I am looking at the ocean!

Please excuse any typos in this post. I am writing on my iPad and it is much more difficult than my computer.

Our first day down here was hard for me. Hubby wanted to go to his favorite restaurant and he ordered the cheesy crab dip and tortilla chips. I ate some and it was soooooo good. But for my meal I had a citrus glazed salmon and green beans. Then he wanted to go out to dinner. I had a coconut-macademia roasted grouper with veggies. I was within my points, but did not get all my fruits and veggies or dairy in. Yesterday was a much better eating day. I got all my healthy guidelines in!! Eating here is hard because hubby and kiddos order all the bad stuff that tempts me. Especially the peanut butter ice cream sundae and buttery popcorn at the movies last night. I am trying to convince hubby to take me to weigh-in down here this week. If I know I have to weigh, I will behave myself better. One advantage is having a house. I went to the store and bought stuff for breakfast, lunches, and snacks. And I am swimming a lot, The boys and I even walked (in the heat) a mile down the road to a farther away trolley stop just to get some extra exercise in. I wish I knew some water aerobics moves I could do while I am down here. If anyone knows any, please share!

My goal while here is to simply maintain my current weight. I would LOVE to lose, but vacations are hard. I really, really don't want to gain weight. I am trying to stay focused on the goal.

Well, I have rambled on enough, Our friends are due to come in today and I am so excited to spend the rest of the week with them.

Here is the view from our deck:

Keep Losing,
Kari

Keeping on keeping on!

Well today’s weigh in was kinda disappointing.  I was up 3 pounds.  I know I did not exercise like I should have this week.  I am not going to sit here and dwell on it.  I feel better and am living a much healthier lifestyle and I will keep on keeping on!

My hubby had been doing Weight Watchers (kinda) with me the last month.  He decided yesterday he wanted to cancel his membershipL That made me sad!  It is so hard to do this alone.  But then I started thinking about it and I am not alone.  I have so many friends and family who are cheering me on.  I may have to eat and exercise alone, but I have a lot of support.  Even my kids cheer me on. <3

So tomorrow we get ready for our Florida beach vacation.  I am hoping I can stay on plan and at least maintain my current weight.  I got my new FitBit Flex today and I am super excited to try it out.  I am working on setting it all up right now and I will let y’all know how I like it. 

Keep Losing,

Kari

What if, what if, what if!

One of the reasons I hate being heavy is the fear of not being able to do something.  It really sucks to not think you can fit in a sit, ride a ride at an amusement park, etc.  I hate that feeling.  I feel like I have missed on so many things in my life because I was even afraid to try.  I am even nervous to meet new people because I am afraid they will not like me because I am “fat.” This is really not an easy thing to admit, but I think a lot of overweight people experience this.  We feel judged solely on our outward appearance (even though that may not be the case).  Self-confidence is so low and it is hard to get over that.  I don’t necessarily fail, because I am too afraid to even try.  I don’t know if I will ever get over it completely, but I am working on it slowly.  Yesterday, my oldest son and I rode our bikes from our house to the small town about 4 miles south of us.  I was not sure I could make it that far.  It about killed me, but when I pulled into my friends’ house in town, I was so proud of myself.  I tried something new and did not fail! Today we are going boating with some friends.  I am so excited, but a bit fearful as well.  What ifs are running through my head.  What if I get in the water to swim and can’t get back in the boat, what if people judge me in my swimsuit, what if, what if, what if.  But my fear will not keep me from having a good time today.  I know my friends and family like me for me and will not judge me for trying even if I do fail!

I am anxious about Thursday’s weigh-in.  I really want to lose at least 2.2 so I can be at my 72 pound goal before heading to Florida on Saturday.  We will see!  I am also a little anxious about vacation.  More what ifs! What if I can’t stay on plan, what if people judge me, what if I get sun poisoning again.  I really need to stop that thinking.  However, my goal is to face those fears and enjoy myself!

Better get ready for a fun day on the lake!  Hope your day is awesome as well!

Keep Losing,

Kari

Getting rid of Baggage!

Happy Saturday to everyone!  It is a beautiful day here!  We have a busy, but exciting weekend.  Last night we hung out with some great friends.  Today we are having some new friends over, tonight going to a hog roast, and tomorrow a road trip for a family reunion.  Hopefully I can stay on plan with all this running around!

So yesterday I FINALLY cleaned out my closet.  I had needed to do it forever.  I got rid of all the clothes that were too big on me.  I did keep my largest pair of jeans so I can compare when I get to goal.  I was a little nervous getting rid of things.  Some of the tops I got rid of were some of my favorites.  But I let them go.  I have to stop wearing clothes are that are too big and baggy.  I think I just like knowing I can cover up the fat rolls with clothes.  But my new goal is to only wear clothes that fit correctly!  I was also nervous because I kept worrying that I might need those clothes again.  I had to stop that negative thinking.  Of course one kid told me I could just go buy new clothes if I gained my weight back, and the other kid says “you won’t gain it back.”  Gotta love them children! So this was a large mental victory for me to get rid of all the stretchy jeans and baggy tops.  I have made a commitment and I am determined to get to goal. 

New outfit - feel kinda self conscious because it actually fits, but my babies and hubby told me I looked nice!!

I will confess I have not worked out the last three days!  I have to get back in my routine.  Our pool is open and maybe I can get some exercise there!!!

Well better go for now!  Have a GREAT Saturday!

Keep Losing,

Kari

Stop being a Baby!!!

So yesterday was my weigh-in day.  For some reason I was expecting a big loss, I had worked out more than ever and really hit it on the eating.  However, I lost 1.2 pounds.  I was so disappointed and being such a baby I didn’t even stay for the meeting.  This made for a total of 69.8, and I so wanted to hit 70.  I had made a goal to lose 72 pounds before we leave for Florida next Saturday.  It is still possible.

I write all the time about how we are not the number on the scale, and yet I was disappointed for hours because I only lost 1.2 pounds.  I got over it.  I have a lot of weight to lose and it is going to take some time.  I know this is a journey and there are going to be up weeks and down weeks and 1.2 is a GOOD week, I was DOWN! I have to stop being such a baby and actually believe that my health and emotions are not only tied to the number on the scale every Thursday.  That is difficult sometimes because I am such an emotional person.  The support I have gotten from friends, family, and some people I don’t even know has been amazing.  It has helped keep me motivated.  People have actually even been inspired to make changes in their own lives because of what I have made public about mine.  That in itself is such a reward for all the hard work. 

Sorry to be so rambly today!  I hope you all have an awesome Friday!

Keep Losing,

Kari

Quitting is NOT an option!

I am feeling a little better today.  The past three days I have had an upset tummy! Not sure if it is something I ate or a bug.  I did get my workouts in though. NO EXCUSES right!

Today I want to write about two different topics that have really been on my mind lately.

#1 – Life does not have to stay the same!  I know so many of us overweight people convince ourselves that this is just how we are and try to be content with it.  I have “dieted” more times than I can remember and each time I failed, I convinced myself that I was just going to be fat forever and people should just like me for me.  Well people should like me for me, but I don’t have to stay this way forever and neither do you.  Whether it is weight or something else that we convince ourselves is “just how it is”, we can break free of those chains.  Believe me, I am not doing this to look better (even though it would be nice).  I just did not feel good.  Each day was a struggle to get out of bed.  How can that be the life I was meant to live.  We don’t have to stay the way we are right now.  Change is a choice, even though the journey is hard and long.  I have a poster on the wall in my workout room that sums this up:

#2 – Motivation – Even though I am having success on the scale, I still struggle mentally with this journey.  I have to find motivation each day to workout and make healthy eating choices.  By the time I have reached my goal, I will have lost 247.2 pounds.  My goal is to take a trip to Bora Bora when I get there.  So today I ordered two posters of Bora Bora to hang up in my workout room.  So when I think of quitting I can just look at the beach and remember the reward.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not only getting healthier to go to Bora Bora, but man what a reward.  I also made a set of jars to keep marbles in for how many pounds I have lost and how many I still have to go.  Please share some ideas that keep you motivated!  Today was hard.  On each machine I was ready to quit with just a few minutes left, but I kept going.

 

Well now that I have rambled on and on, I better go for now.  Have a great day!

Keep Losing,

Kari

Room to Spare

So I have to start off by telling you about two awesome things that happened yesterday!  Total NSV’s (non-scale victories).

#1 – We went to the Trojan Horse, a Greek restaurant in Bloomington, last night.  The restaurant only has fixed booths, which I usually DREAD! However, I fit last night with just a little room to spare!!!  And to top it off, hubby and I split a meal and I was satisfied!!

#2 – After dinner we went to a movie.  We saw After Earth, much better than I expected it to be.  However walking in to the theater I could smell the buttery popcorn before I even got to the entrance.  BUT, I had NONE! That is major for me because I LOVE movie theater popcorn!

So yesterday I posted a progress pic and got a lot of positive remarks.  That made me feel so good!   Some of the guys at work even told me I looked nice!  So here is the pic:

68.6 pounds gone! Still have 178.6 to go!

So this morning I woke up and got my workout done and over with! UGH!  But it did make me feel so much better.  We are having a few people over tonight for a cookout (even though it is supposed to rain ALL day).  I made a Weight Watchers Butterfinger desert.  I have made this several times before and not one person can believe it is Weight Watchers.  Here is the recipe:

1 (10") prepared angel food cake, cut into 1' cubes

1 ( 1 oz.) package of sugar free, fat free butterscotch pudding mix

1 1/2 cups skim milk

2 ( 8 oz. ) containers of cool whip FREE, thawed

10 fun-sized butterfingers candy bars, crushed ( I used mini food processor)

1.  Spray 9 x 13" pan with cooking spray.  Arrange half the angel food cake cubes in bottom of pan.  

2.  In large bowl, combine the pudding mix with skim milk.  Whisk until starting to thicken.  Fold in both containers of cool whip FREE.  

3.  Pour half the "fluff" mixture over the cubed angel food cake in pan.  Top with half the crushed butterfinger candies.  Repeat with rest of cake, fluff and candy. Cover and refrigerate for at least an hour before serving, or overnight.  Enjoy!

1/16^th of the cake is 5 WW+ points. 

I got this recipe from the following blog: http://mykitchenadventures1.blogspot.com/2012/02/butterfinger-dessert.html.  She even has pictures posted so check it out! 

Well I better go for now!  Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Keep Losing,

Kari