Peace that Passes Understanding-7 years

So what I am going to share with all of you today is not really related with my weight loss, but it has shaped who I am as a person.

7 years ago today, my life changed forever. I sat in a hospital room as my husband took his last breaths here on earth. He was 29 years old. I cannot describe to you the emotions that happened that day. I was angry, sad, happy, and yes even a little relieved. He had been in the hospital for almost two months and the last few days were really rough. At 1:00 in the afternoon I signed all the papers for hospice care and by 10:00 that night he was gone.

Jesse had been diagnosed with end stage renal failure in 2000. I was pregnant with our son at the time. It was a complete shock to our family as we had no warning. He struggled with dialysis and all the medications, but slowly the disease took over. His liver started to fail and he was miserable. He fought for 6 years.

Why did this happen to us? I will never know the answer to that question. I have assurance that Jesse was a born again believer and that I will see him again someday. Losing a spouse is hard, telling your six year old son that his daddy is dead is hard. Losing your best friend that you had known since high school and had been married to for 9 years is hard.

I sometimes get asked if I would change things if I could. Part of me thinks is would, but most of me says no. Now I know that may sound awful to say or think, but all of my experiences have made me into the person I am today. Would I be this strong if I didn't go through this? Would I have my second baby boy? For those of you who don't know my story, I met a wonderful man about a year after my husband's death and we got married. He had a 6 year old son who lives with us full time and he has become such a huge part of my family. I love him as much as if I had given birth to him myself. I have been married almost 6 years now.

I am telling you that God has a plan for our lives. He allows things to happen to us to shape us and the people around us. We may not understand or agree, we may be angry, sad, or hurt. But all will be reveled one day of the bigger plan for our lives. We learn from our hard times and our good times. I still miss Jesse and I always will, but I rest assured that he is celebrating with Jesus today and he is much happier than if he were still battling this disease here on earth.

Life can be hard and unfair at times, but God created us to withstand it. He will never give us more than we can handle. Even when it feels like it is too much, He is there to help carry the load.

Hard to believe 7 years has passed since that night. I hope Jesse is proud of the life I am living today and is thrilled to see his son growing into an awesome young man.

I hope you all have a great day. Remember how much God loves you and He is always there for you.

Keep Losing,
Kari

Fearful Friday

It is finally Friday!!! I was even able to get my first work-out in since my surgery almost a month ago. I cannot even begin to tell you how much better I feel when I work out!! It was not as hard as I thought it would be.

So today I have two fears to share with you. One thing that is hard about this blog and my Facebook page is being so open and honest in front of everyone. I even told my weight out loud!!! So sharing fears should be easy for me.

#1 - I have a fear of eating. Now I know that sounds CRAZY because I have told you previously how I am a food addict. I find that I hoard my Weight Watcher points and I am so afraid that if I use them all that I won't lose weight. I know it is silly, but it is something I am battling with. This has just started the last few weeks. I think back to November when I first started and I got 61 points a day and I lost weight. Now I get 48 and I am nervous about everything I eat. My goal is to USE my points everyday! Today has been a good start for this. I have had breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner and I only have 8 points left. I have got in all my oils and dairies already. I am really going to be working on eating more throughout the day so I don't have 20 points left at night.

#2 - This fear is much harder to write about in public, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest and out into the open. Let me start off by telling you that I LOVE my husband and this is not a complaint against him at all and he has been super supportive of me on this journey. I am worried that the changes I am making in my life are going to affect our relationship. I have SO MUCH more energy and I want to do more things. Our lifestyle has always been pretty sedentary, but now I want to do more because I actually can. What if this affects my marriage? I don't want my husband to resent me because I want to do things and I want so much for us to be able to do those things together. Please just pray for me in this area! I think hubby and I are going to go through a lot of growth over the next few years. Any advice from couples you have gone through this is most welcome! And honey, if you read this please know that I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!! You are awesome and I want us to have the best life together that we can.

Well, I am gonna go for now. Getting ready to go to a Mary Kay Spa party!! Out of my comfort zone, but that is good for me! Have a GREAT weekend!

Keep Losing,
Kari

Thursday Weigh-In and a Reality Check

Today was weigh-in day and it started off kinda rough. I woke up with a terrible migraine and felt awful. Still hurting, but managed to go to my meeting today. I was up 0.8 pounds. In the past, this would have destroyed me! I would have left and not stayed for the meeting and cried for an hour. Today I am actually not that upset. I am learning that this is a journey, it will take time to lose 247 pounds. The scale is not the only definition of success. In my progress pic I posted Tuesday, I was wearing a shirt that was a size 18/20. 11 months ago I was wearing a 32/34. I had to buy new jammy pants today because mine kept falling down. And the best ever is all the kind comments and messages I am getting through this page. People have been inspired by what I am doing and I am inspired by them. I started this blog and my Facebook page for my friends and family and it has grown so beyond what I could ever imagine. More than 600 people follow me on Facebook, that is 600 people I can impact simply be being open and honest about my journey!!!

So this morning I was watching Extreme Weight Loss and I was just overcome with emotions with this episode. There was a set of twins, a brother and a sister. I felt so connected to them. I think I cried the entire episode. The reality of being morbidly obese is just overwhelming. All the things you are not able to do because of your weight and just not feeling like doing anything. I was good at hiding my misery. I put on a happy face, but I was far from happy. It is not necessarily about my outward appearance, but the emotional restrictions I placed on myself. Things are hard when you are overweight. People are not nice! I was (and still am ) so self conscious. I am always worried people are talking about how "fat" I am. I am slowly learning to love myself where I am right now. If I don't love myself, I will fail at this journey. I am worth it, I am something. Example, I was invited to a Mary Kay spa party tomorrow evening. I don't want to go and be the "fat" one there. I am so nervous that I won't fit in, or that I am not good enough for a "spa" party, all the other girls are younger, skinnier, prettier. I AM going and I will have fun. I have to battle these negative emotions everyday. It is hard to admit this and write these words, but my hope is to help other people who deal with the same things.

A couple ladies at Weight Watchers today were looking at my progress pic and they told me how proud they are of me (they are all at Lifetime). The also said they were so afraid that I was going to quit. I told them I had quit many many times before but for some reason this time feels different. They said they will be my own personal cheering squad!! Made me so happy!! :)

Well, I am gonna go for now. I LOVE all of you and thank you for the tremendous support you all give me!!!!

Keep Losing,
Kari