Shame

I want to start off by telling you all THANK YOU for the support and encouragement you have given me since my post yesterday! Your words really mean a lot to me. 

Last week, I reached out on Facebook asking for book recommendations. I downloaded several books on self-love to read. I started one yesterday by Brene Brown:

I have only gotten through the introduction and part of the first chapter. In this book, she is talking about shame. At first I wasn't sure this was what I was looking for until I read these three quotes:

The constant struggle to feel accepted and worthy is unrelenting. We put so much of our time and energy into making sure that we meet everyone's expectations and into caring about what other people think of us, that we are often left feeling angry, resentful and fearful. Sometimes we turn these emotions inward and convince ourselves that we are bad and that maybe we deserve the rejection that we so desperately feel. 

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. 

Shame is about the fear of disconnection. When we are experiencing shame, we are steeped in the fear of being ridiculed, diminished, or seen as flawed. We are afraid that we've exposed or revealed a part of us that jeopardizes our connection and our worthiness of acceptance. 

I know that really struggle with what other people think of me, how they perceive me. I feel like I wear a mask most of the time because if people really knew me, they may not like what they see. I think this only adds to my feelings of isolation. I never quite feel like I fit in anywhere. Like I just can't make friends. I know I have to let that guard down and be more vulnerable. 

I don't feel worthy. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy and healthy. And honestly, I don't know why. This is going to be something I have to work on. 

I am working with a therapist and just last week really opened up about some of this. I see her again tomorrow. 

I want to feel confident and worthy. Step by step, I will get there and I'll share along the way. 

I heard a song on the radio today that I've probably heard 100 times, but I really listened to the lyrics today and they really touched me. The song Drops In the Ocean by Hawk Nelson and here are the lyrics:

I want you as you are not as you ought to be
Won't you lay down your guard and come to me
The shame that grips you now is crippling
It breaks my heart to see you suffering

'Cause I am for you
I'm not against you

If you wanna know how far my love can go
Just how deep
Just how wide
If you wanna see how much you mean to me
Look at my hands
Look at my side

If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean, ooh ooh

Don't think you need to settle for a substitute
When I'm the only love that changes you

And I am for you
I'm not against you
I am for you
I'm not against you

If you wanna know how far my love can go
Just how deep
Just how wide
If you wanna see how much you mean to me
Look at my hands
Look at my side

If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean

Open your heart it's time that we start again, oh oh oh
Open your heart it's time that we start again, oh oh oh

If you wanna know how far my love can go

Just how deep
Just how wide
If you wanna see how much you mean to me
Look at my hands
Look at my side

If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean, ooh ooh
The drops in the ocean, woah

I am for you
I'm not against you
I am for you
I'm not against you

This song is just amazing. I'm going to download it and listen to it everyday to remind myself how much I mean to God. 

I'm off for now. Sending you all love and healthy wishes!

Keep Losing,

Kari