Shame

I want to start off by telling you all THANK YOU for the support and encouragement you have given me since my post yesterday! Your words really mean a lot to me. 

Last week, I reached out on Facebook asking for book recommendations. I downloaded several books on self-love to read. I started one yesterday by Brene Brown:

I have only gotten through the introduction and part of the first chapter. In this book, she is talking about shame. At first I wasn't sure this was what I was looking for until I read these three quotes:

The constant struggle to feel accepted and worthy is unrelenting. We put so much of our time and energy into making sure that we meet everyone's expectations and into caring about what other people think of us, that we are often left feeling angry, resentful and fearful. Sometimes we turn these emotions inward and convince ourselves that we are bad and that maybe we deserve the rejection that we so desperately feel. 

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. 

Shame is about the fear of disconnection. When we are experiencing shame, we are steeped in the fear of being ridiculed, diminished, or seen as flawed. We are afraid that we've exposed or revealed a part of us that jeopardizes our connection and our worthiness of acceptance. 

I know that really struggle with what other people think of me, how they perceive me. I feel like I wear a mask most of the time because if people really knew me, they may not like what they see. I think this only adds to my feelings of isolation. I never quite feel like I fit in anywhere. Like I just can't make friends. I know I have to let that guard down and be more vulnerable. 

I don't feel worthy. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy and healthy. And honestly, I don't know why. This is going to be something I have to work on. 

I am working with a therapist and just last week really opened up about some of this. I see her again tomorrow. 

I want to feel confident and worthy. Step by step, I will get there and I'll share along the way. 

I heard a song on the radio today that I've probably heard 100 times, but I really listened to the lyrics today and they really touched me. The song Drops In the Ocean by Hawk Nelson and here are the lyrics:

I want you as you are not as you ought to be
Won't you lay down your guard and come to me
The shame that grips you now is crippling
It breaks my heart to see you suffering

'Cause I am for you
I'm not against you

If you wanna know how far my love can go
Just how deep
Just how wide
If you wanna see how much you mean to me
Look at my hands
Look at my side

If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean, ooh ooh

Don't think you need to settle for a substitute
When I'm the only love that changes you

And I am for you
I'm not against you
I am for you
I'm not against you

If you wanna know how far my love can go
Just how deep
Just how wide
If you wanna see how much you mean to me
Look at my hands
Look at my side

If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean

Open your heart it's time that we start again, oh oh oh
Open your heart it's time that we start again, oh oh oh

If you wanna know how far my love can go

Just how deep
Just how wide
If you wanna see how much you mean to me
Look at my hands
Look at my side

If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean, ooh ooh
The drops in the ocean, woah

I am for you
I'm not against you
I am for you
I'm not against you

This song is just amazing. I'm going to download it and listen to it everyday to remind myself how much I mean to God. 

I'm off for now. Sending you all love and healthy wishes!

Keep Losing,

Kari

What Is Going On?

Hi everyone! Hope you all had a good weekend and a good Monday. I'm frantically scrambling to get everything done before my surgery on Thursday. 

I have really been struggling the past year and a half. Not just with weight loss, but will a lot of emotional issues. 

Honestly, I have fallen out of love with myself. Right now, I really don't even like myself. And I can't figure out how to get past it. 

I know I'm upset and angry with myself for gaining some weight back, but I can't figure out how to forgive myself and move forward. 

I eat crap even when I don't really want it. I'm filling those emotional holes with Little Debbie and Hostess. 

I have a problem. More than just being overweight. I have an eating disorder of some kind. 

I have decided to take a break from Weight Watchers and just take some time to work on my mind. I have to get the mental and emotional issues worked out before anything else can happen. 

I am still going to eat better. I'm still exercising (one thing that always makes me feel better)

I am going to work on accepting myself and finding my worth. 

I will be shifting this blog to this for awhile and sharing my thoughts and discoveries. 

Honestly, I don't care if I lose one more pound ever at this point. What I want is to be healthy, happy, and to love myself. I want the focus to come off of the food and scale and onto what I need to be happy and successful (and then not feeling guilty for being happy)

Some of you will follow me and some of you will leave me. I love you all for your support. 

Things will be changing for the better!

Sending happy and healthy wishes!

Keep Losing,

Kari

Motivating Monday!

Happy Monday! I hope you all had a great weekend. I know i did, but I wished it had lasted a few more days!!!!

Today has just been an AWESOME day personally! Got up this morning and headed to the gym to meet with my trainer. Man, it was tough. 

But the BEST news of all is that my hubby had his free-for-joining session this weekend and he decided to do training 3 days a week as well. This makes me so happy! Now my entire family is working together at eating better and moving more! This may just be the push I need to get my momentum back! He is so sore, but I'm telling him it will be so worth it!

And today has been the first day in a long time that I have tracked ALL of my food! I am so ready to just feel better again regardless of the number on the scale. I have a lot of mental work to do, but I will get there. I have some deep digging to do and I'll try to share along the way in the hopes that my journey could inspire someone else!

10 days til my 3rd foot surgery! Focusing on getting my house and family prepared for my recovery!

Sending you all love and healthy wishes!

Keep Losing,

Kari

Do it all, or do all things?

First off, thank you all for the support and positivity you have given me since my last blog post!

Today has been a good day, busy, but good!

Got up early and headed to the gym. I was super excited because my hubby joined me today! I had a great (but tough) workout with my trainer!

I got a few errands done and went out on a lunch date with hubby! Then, I took about an hour of quiet time before the kiddos got home. I did my devotion and journaled some. It was so relaxing and refreshing. 

Then it was off to the store to buy more milk and more bananas ( I can't seem to keep the, in the house with 3 teenagers here). Then time to pick two kids up, run them home and pick hubby up, and then back to school to pick the youngest up from track practice. Whew, I feel like a taxi service sometimes!

Then worked on pulling weeds. I love spring, but I hate battling the weeds in the flower gardens. 

Tonight was really fun! About 15 of the ladies from church all got together for dinner and fellowship. I had such a great time. Things like this are so good for me to battle my anxiety and get out of my own comfort bubble. 

While I was there, hubby fed the boys and took them all to the gym for a workout (and frozen yogurt, which I didn't get 😥 )

As I was going through my quiet time today one particular thing really stuck out at me. It had to do with this verse:

Probably one of my favorites. The past few months of my life have been complete overwhelming chaos! Routines and schedules have changed. My 14 year old nephew is living with us. And I'm having a hard time keeping all the plates balanced. I like my routine and right now, there is none. But this verse really spoke to me in a way I had never though about it before. I'm not being told that I have to all the things! But that Christ will give me strength to get through all the things I am doing. Never does it say we HAVE to do all things. This is a relief to this tired momma. I don't have to do it all and those things that I must do, HE WILL HELP ME GET THEM DONE! 

Spent a little time playing the original Atari frogger game tonight!!!! And I beat those boys butts!!!!! 

That is it for tonight! My plan is to journal/blog for awhile and find my motivation!

Sending you all love and healthy wishes!

Keep Losing,

Kari

Where Did It Go?

I'm still here! I'm writing today to let you all know my motivation is lost!

I don't know what happened or where it is hiding, but I'm struggling. 

I have some major anxiety and fatigue issues going on. 

I'm facing a third foot surgery in a couple of weeks. 

I just feel blah!

I don't even feel like eating most of the time. 

I don't know what to blog about. 

So what am I doing about it?

1. Still going to gym, when I exercise I feel better. 

2. Praying and studying God's word. 

3. Seeing a therapist to talk through things. 

4. Saw my doctor and having some blood work done. 

I refuse to just lay down and quit! Right now I'm not worried about a number on a scale, I just want to be happy and healthy. Right now it is one choice at a time. 

Sorry for the downer post today, but I'm keeping it real!!!

Sending you all love and healthy wishes (send me some back)!

Keep Losing,

Kari

Sunday Scenes From the Weekend

Hi! I know it has been awhile since my last post! I took a little time away just to rest and reflect. 

I hope you all had a great weekend and a very Happy Easter!  Here are a few scenes from my weekend:

My beautiful mom and all of her grandsons!

My nephew helping me peel eggs for deviled eggs! 

Cash loving on my nephew!

Two of the boys making Easter nest cookies!

I had a great weekend and I'm ready to tackle this next week!

Sending you all love and healthy wishes!

Keep Losing,

Kari